Friday, 24 May 2013

You shouldn't blog angry... or sad.. or maybe you should..

Picture unrelated to my topic but I think it's genius and very green.. so here it is.

"I am in too bad a place tonight to blog"

It did cross my mind for about 30 seconds... and then I thought maybe it's better to blog it out. My GP told me to blog more.. well, she said I should write down my feelings in a diary... but this is the only place I write down anything meaningful so it seems only natural to use this space.

Anyway.. I'm angry.. and sad.. and feeling pretty crap.

Today at work someone snuck into the back room and stole my very lovely leather bag and my manager's very expensive, brand new watch that she had only received a few weeks ago from her parents as a graduation present. I was the only one in the store and had to spend quite a lot of time at the counter serving customers so couldn't be circulating around the shop. I have no idea who it would have been out of all the customers I had today... I said hello to everyone who walked in and not one of them made me think "hmm.. dodgy.. keep an eye on them". They were all perfectly lovely looking..

That's what makes me so cross.. I want to trust people.. I always cringe when I hear people say "you can't trust anybody".. "Yes you CAN! People are inherently good!" is what I say (in my mind) in reply... But maybe I can't..

I am an optimist by nature.. I look for the good in people.. But this kind of crap makes me question why I believe this. Why would someone walk into a charity shop and steal the shop assistant's belongings? Maybe they don't have much money.. maybe they need money to feed their children or a drug habit... Maybe they're just JERKS!?


It's been an emotional day.. Before this all happened I made a spur of the moment decision to make a doctors appointment. My favourite doctor has started working five doors down from the shop where I work and only works on Fridays. I called, expecting that there would be no appointments available but there was one at 2pm so without thinking, I said "yep, I'll take it". I made arrangements to take a late lunch break and prepared myself to be brutally honest with her.

It was only half an hour before the appointment that I realised we'd been robbed so I was already very fragile so when I sat down in the doctor's office all my emotions started bubbling out and I was a mess.

I told her that I have been feeling really crappy and have been out of control binge eating every day. That I am terrified that if I don't do something soon I will end up putting on 20kg before the year is out. That I have 3 kids (one of whom is a foster child with lots of issues we need to work through with her daily), I work full time and I am supporting my husband through uni and I am so so stressed.. I also said that I have been holding it together for a long time and to the outside onlooker, I look like I am doing ok..

But the bingeing never happens when anyone is looking.. It's secret. It happens in the car and at work.. where we sell blocks of chocolate.. that damn delicious fair trade chocolate.. No one needs to see the wrappers. I don't need to be embarrassed. But I know what I do.. and it makes me feel disgusting.

The wonderful doctor sat with me for longer than my allocated time slot and asked me what I do that is just for me... regularly.. When I couldn't answer her question she asked me what I wanted to do for myself regularly.. I couldn't answer that either... it all just feels like a big effort. In the end I was able to identify that I have a gym membership that I'm not using so I might look up a class.. Not aerobics or anything too full on just yet.. something a little more gentle and enjoyable like yoga and book it in regularly. I also said I'd like to go walking more often. And do more intentional craft.. not just "oh I have 10 minutes before bed, let's make half a granny square".

When I said that I really want to avoid anything that feels like a diet she said "good.. diet's don't work anyway. Let's look at what is nourishing for you". She referred me for blood tests and has begun the process of setting up a mental health plan so I can get some subsidised psychology sessions.

I have called and left a message for the psychologist. I'm pretty scared actually.

But also relieved.  The truth is out now..

I have a binge eating disorder and I need to own that. 

Here are a couple of nice things that I have come home to tonight.. Our weekly veggie box was at the door when I arrived home.. so bright and fresh. Certainly a brighter spot in a crappy day.

John and the girls went out and bought me some supplies to get me through the night (they are all out tonight) and set them up on the bench like this.. I'll try not to eat it all in half an hour... And look at that lovely lovely brooch... John found it in Northcote today.. If you know anyone that has lost an Emily Green brooch in Northcote let them know it decided to pop in to my place to make me feel better this afternoon.. if they want it back.. umm.. well.. let's let the brooch choose where it wants to be.


Shauna said...

Huuuuuuuuuuge hugs from across the globe, Ash. You have so much on your plate, it's so human to find comfort in a way you can fit in to your full-on life. Hope you find a way to make some space just for you. Sounds like you are being kind to yourself which bloody awesome. Hug hug hug xxox

Ashwee said...

Thanks Shauna. Hugs!

ButterandBuntings said...

Ash, I am sorry to hear of your crappy day and how crappy youve been feeling lately. I dont really know what to say to help to be honest..and I feel a mile away to help..but id love to go for a walk or do some craft. Im not as busy as you, but I know those feelings of just feeling like everything has control of you. Its a good thing you chatted to your dr..dont be scared..its great letting stuff out, you will be so thankful at the end! P.s That vegie box looks good...where from? We get a ceres box now...I love it. Might become a host. Anyway xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Ashwee said...

Hi Taz,

Thank you! I would love to hang out more. I'll call you soon and we can figure out a time. The veggie box is from the organic co-op we are part of. We were getting the Ceres boxes while we were on the waiting list for the co-op but it was much more expensive. We now spend $20 a week on these big boxes.


Kek said...

:( I'm so sorry, Ash. It's hardly surprising that you're struggling with all that you have going on - stress manifests itself in all sorts of ways, and binge eating is just one of them. Good for you for facing up to it and getting help. You're so not alone...

With your GP and psychologist working with you, I'm pretty sure that you'll be feeling much better in a few short weeks.

Kate said...

Sending you lots of love!

I am just emerging from a really hard time like you are describing. My eating is under control again and I am learning to nourish myself every day with more non food choices than food, if that makes sense.

If you want to chat / email, feel free. Also have book suggestions etc that have helped me, but don't want to force them on you. Let me know, I'm always happy to chat.

p.s. your GP sounds amazing!


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